What Drives Desire
(and What Gets in the Way)
One of the most common worries I hear in therapy is: “Why has my sex drive changed? Something must be wrong with me.” The truth is, fluctuations in sexual desire are completely normal. Your sex drive isn’t a fixed trait—it’s responsive, influenced by stress, hormones, context, and the dynamics of your relationships. Understanding this can take away a lot of the shame and pressure, and open the door to curiosity instead of self-criticism.
The Many Factors That Influence Desire
1) Stress and Mental Load: The Ultimate Cock Block
When your mind is running through to-do lists or you’re carrying emotional stress, your body often deprioritizes sexual interest. It’s not lack of love or attraction—it’s biology. Stress can “hit the brakes” on arousal, even if you want intimacy in theory.
2) Hormones (aka the Mood Swingers)
Hormonal shifts—through menstrual cycles, postpartum, perimenopause, or aging—can all affect libido. Medications (like birth control or antidepressants) can also play a role. These changes are not a personal failing; they’re part of your body’s natural rhythms.
3) Context and Environment: Netflix, Chill, and… Laundry in the Corner?
Desire thrives in safe, relaxed, and positive contexts. If your environment feels rushed, tense, or distracting, it’s harder to feel aroused. This is why a cozy night together often feels different from intimacy after a stressful day.
4) Relationship Dynamics: Teamwork Makes Desire Work
How emotionally connected (or disconnected) you feel towards a partner often influences desire. Emotional intimacy, communication, and conflict resolution all play a role in how ready we feel for physical closeness. It is also normal for desire to be more consistent in the beginning of the relationship (aka the honeymoon phase). More on that here.
What You Can Do About It
1) Stop “Shoulding” on Yourself
The first step is letting go of the idea that your sex drive should be steady or that there’s one “right” level of desire. Desire is fluid—it will rise and fall. That doesn’t mean something is wrong.
2) Set the Stage: Context is Sexy
Ask yourself: What makes intimacy easier for me? What makes it harder? Maybe it’s stress, lack of sleep, or too many distractions. Identifying your “brakes” and “accelerators” (as Emily Nagoski describes in Come As You Are) can be a game changer to curating more optimal contexts for intimacy.
3) Mindfulness: The New Foreplay
Being present in your body—through mindfulness, breathwork, or simply slowing down—can help quiet mental chatter and bring awareness back to sensation.
4) Communication = Lubrication
If you’re in a relationship, open conversations can reduce pressure. Share honestly about what’s going on for you without blame. Intimacy isn’t just about frequency—it’s about understanding and connection.
5) Seek Support When Needed: When ChatGPT Isn’t Cutting It
If changes in desire feel distressing, persistent, or are causing pain in your relationship, therapy can help. A sex therapist can help unpack contributing factors and provide strategies tailored to you.
Your sex drive is meant to ebb and flow—over days, months, and seasons. That’s not broken, that’s human. Desire isn’t a pass/fail test—it’s a reflection of your body, your mind, and your context in this moment. By understanding the factors at play and approaching yourself with compassion, you can navigate these shifts with more ease and less shame. If this resonates with you, let it be an invitation to get curious and explore your own patterns.
